Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Are my feet made of real feet?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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