NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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