Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
