threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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