1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
