Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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