Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
