My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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