Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
