how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
