I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
