Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
