cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
