finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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