maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
