I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
