i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
