if you like me you must not know who I am
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
