That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
this is an emotional support booty call
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
