Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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