who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
