I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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