Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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