The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
