Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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