toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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