Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
