i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
