With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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