I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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