I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
