"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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