The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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