Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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