i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
one two three fourrrrnication!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
