I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
