Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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