Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
