Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
