Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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