Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
