I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
