we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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