Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
