I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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