My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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