Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
