Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
