I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
