tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
