The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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