I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
