Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
